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[06 Apr 2006|01:08am]
[ mood | lonely ]

Just because ive been hurt doesnt mean ive ever stopped loving you...
i never will.

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[05 Apr 2006|11:47am]
[ mood | sad ]

Its over. for real this time. Cat got off with another lad on friday night. i guess the whole 'i love you i'll do anything for you' thing was a load crap eh. Just wish she could have been honest for once and just ended it before or at least tell me the truth about it, not just make up a load of shit to try and get out of it. I'm worth so much more than this i really am. :(

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[22 Mar 2006|11:45pm]
[ mood | chipper ]

Time is a great healer.
I've been at work all day and had my mind on other things, after having come home now and reading what i wrote this morning i've realised i dont really agree with any of it.
I'm not only with her because i love her, im with her because i love her and i love being with her. I do wish iwas treated better yeah, but its not as if she treats me terible or anything. shes uber sweet and thoughtful which is what i love about her.
I really do hope shes going to try and make this work because im definately game.
i just want to be fucked around thats all.

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[22 Mar 2006|11:54am]
[ mood | annoyed ]

Fuck this, its not even worth it anymore. Why should i bother making any effort when im just going to be treated like shit. 'Oh things are going to be different im sorry baby i love you', Bollocks. Your friewnds have always come first before me and they always will do. If they were lifelong friends maybe i could understand but theyre not. you havent even known them 6 months and you stil care about them more than me. Well im tired of being hurt by you over and over again. I think you just want somebody to want you and thats why you're keeping me around because when im not there you seem to want me when it suits you or when your friends are busy but when i am you just dont give a shit. Why do i even bother. Its just lie after lie and then you cover everything up even when i find out the truth about things, embelish facts and try to make them sound only half as bad as they are. I dont trust you at all, but then why should i - all you've done is lie to me. But why do you do it? do you get pleasure out of knowning you've got one over on me or pulled the wool over my eyes once again? whats the point? 'oh i was scared about what you'd say/do', yeah right! you're just scared of telling me because you know i'll probably dump you.
I'm only with you because i love you. any other person would have been gone a long time ago.
If you read this and seriously want things to work then pay me more attention and actually try to be a good girlfriend, and stop all the lies. If you dont want to be with me or are just leading me on then fucking tell me! and stop waving the carrot in front of my eyes because this game is tired now - ive had enough. It really is make or break time because im not going through all this shit again, so either get your act together and realise what you've got or let things go because all this messing about is killing me inside and you just dont seem to care.

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[17 Mar 2006|12:12am]
[ mood | confused ]

Cant you see, that i wanna be there with open arms
its empty tonight, and im all alone - get me through this one
do you notice im gone?
where do you run to so far away
i want you to know that i miss you
i miss you so
i want you to know that i miss you
i miss you so
im writing again these letters to you, of much i'd know
but im not sleeping, youre not here
that stops my heart
do you notice im gone?
where do you run to, so far away?
i want you to know that i miss you
i miss you so
i want you to know that i miss you
i miss you so
i want you to know that i miss you
i miss you so
i want you to know that i miss you
i miss you so

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[17 Mar 2006|12:09am]
[ mood | confused ]

Maybe i should just let go...what if the cord is tangled round my neck..will it still break? Help..

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[12 Mar 2006|12:36am]
[ mood | gloomy ]

Updated situation:

We had a break from monday - thursday.
Now Cat has said that it doesnt feel as though we're a couple anymore - which i agree with. It just really hurts inside because i want us to work so much and i really am pinning a lot of hopes on this.
I know she loves me and cares for me a great deal. i feel the same for her i just wish i could show it better. i know ive been treating her like shit - dont get me wrong i know this isnt all my fault we are both to blame - but i just want her to feel happy and loved. i know thats whats missing, its all on my part. shes done everything to show me how much she cares, just ive still been shouting at her and arguing all the time. its become a habbit i need to break!
I hope she gets to read these messages one day because although in some of them i havent said very nice things ive still never stopped loving her (i never will) and ive never stopped wanting to be with her. i know ive said i've given up in the past and i might have done for a few minutes while i was still mad, but as soon as i'd calmed down i missed her like crazy - Just like im doing now.
If you ever do read this baby i want you to know i love you so much and will never stop loving you. i will always be here for you and will always catch you if you fall. i love you!

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[09 Mar 2006|12:20am]
[ mood | pissed off ]

Ok so i havent posted in a while..the break ended, things went on fine, cat went out on saturday night - turns out she kissed some lad.
I've intigated a break between us and i dont know if i want to be with her anymore. ive just had enough of all this shit and i dont trust her at all.
I love her sure, but is that enough? i dont think i can forgive and forget this time i really dont.
So why dont i just end it if i dont trust her? i dont know, maybe im scared of being on my own, maybe i just dont want to lose her. ive no idea.
I just want to get away from it all and end the heartache. It doesnt really feel like she cares about my feelings. She said she was going to phone me about 10 minutes ago - ive rang her house phone and its engaged...so shes on the phone to someone at 20 past midnight...hmmm, yeah thats just going to be a 'friend' isnt it...

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You will always be my baby and i will love you always! [01 Mar 2006|09:17pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

i feel so numb.
Cat has said she wants a break from our relationship for a few days.. i really really really hope that she decides she wants to be with me after this time. i cant imagine life without her and dont want to!
I just want my baby back. want her to be mine again and just want to hold her so tight! :'(
I'll never stop loving you and like rachael said to ross in friends - its never off the table between us.
Love you always!

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[23 Feb 2006|12:21am]
i know i keep pushing her away, always accusing her of stuff...i dont mean too and i dont even believe some of the things ive said but its just become habit and im having a hard time breaking it. i really love Catherine and i dont want to push her away anymore. I want us to be closer than ever and i really am going to try harder to make you feel special baby!
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[18 Feb 2006|09:53pm]
[ mood | blah ]

Your Social Dysfunction:

You're a happy person - you have a good amount of self-esteem, and are socially healthy. While this isn't a social dysfunction per se, you're definitely not normal. Consider yourself lucky: you walk that fine line between 'normal' and being outright narcissistic. You're rare - which is something else to be happy about.

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

Please note that we aren't, nor do we claim to be, psychologists. This quiz is for fun and entertainment only. Try not to freak out about your results.

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[12 Feb 2006|02:23pm]
Went to donny last night, it was ok...nothing special tbh just like a normal night in town. We didnt even get in the one and only nightclub the shitty town has to offer because firstly chris got id'd, then he managed to sneek in later but they wouldnt let dale in. The bouncer was being a complete and total arse to us, but then I think this was because of dales mini rampage - when he was storming round, pulled a plastic drainpipe off the side of a kebab shop and smashed it up, ripped a wooden menu holder off the side of a pub and then proceeded to try and rip a fire extinguisher off a wall with the intention of throwing it at the bouncer who wouldnt let us in.
Spent a lot of the night in this bar that had no roof, it was really strange just like walking through a door then going dtraight back outside. quite suprising to go there really because it was raining :s.
We all ended up going our separate ways having lost the rest of the group. Me, joe and matt ended up in walkabouts bar then they both went to toilet and never returned so i just went back to the hotel.
Got there and found chris stood outside pissed out of his face and swaying, thank fuck someone was there though as i would never have remembered the room numbers otherwize - not that chris was much help however coz he could bearly stand let alone read the room numbers from a sheet of paper!
When i got there chris, xan, dale and jay were already back there but joe and matt probably still in walkabouts. Donny is better in than nottingham's centre in this respect because near enough all of the bars are open as long as the club which is like until about 2/3 in the morning.
Me jay and dale were first up this morning at around 7:45ish so we left the others (who were going back in a different car anyway) and went to maccy Ds for breakfast. sat in there for about an hour then drove home. Got back about half 10 then i just went straight back to bed to catch up on sleep having only got about 4/5 hours last night.
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[09 Feb 2006|03:01pm]
[ mood | excited ]

Right..erm..not a lot to tell really, just felt like updating my lj.
The Weekend Plan
Saturday -
Would be nice to wake up with my baby but i think she wants a girly night in with her mum on friday so i'll probably be on my own :(. Going into town with Dale to look round shops for a bit about 10 ish.
erm..might go to football with Dale depending on the weather. Gonna pack my stuff up ready for about 5/5.30ish, Then going to Doncaster with Dale, Xan & Jay (not sure about any others yet) for Dales birthday, should be a really great night!.
Sunday -
Most likely walk round doncaster town in the day for a bit looking in a few shops then jump in the car and come home. Plans havent been decided after this point due to the unknown affects of any possible hangovers.

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[26 Jan 2006|10:26pm]
I've just been reading up about dissociative disorders.
This seems to make a hell of a lot of sence with me.....
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My stomach is aching quite a bit... [26 Jan 2006|10:21pm]
[ mood | crushed ]

hard to tell whether its the feeling of being crushed from heartache from Cat(I just have bad feeling at the moment) or because i havent eaten anything since about 1pm...
I'm not hungry and it doesnt look like Cat wants to see me so I guess we'll never know...

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[25 Jan 2006|09:42pm]
[ mood | tired ]

I should probably stop posting things when i feel sad (which is pretty much the only time i post) but..
I do feel down, seems like im on an emotional yoyo at the moment, im either one extreme or the other which sucks when im sad or pissed off but is great when im happy.
I really love Cat so much and all i want is for her to be happy and i'm going to try my best to make her feel that way.
Um..well thats all i have to say so um...bye

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Wow - Forgot what that last post was about now lol [23 Jan 2006|04:55pm]
[ mood | amused ]

Well, im great! heh just realised how big headed that sounds, but i really am :p
Its wierd, i really cant remember what the post below was about :s, probably somethng to do with me and cat but i cant remember anymore so nm.
Ordered my new seasons uniform from next :D so should have that waiting for me in a few days.
Got paid just over £400 which is fantastic as i havent had that sort of money in about 2 years!
Got a lot to buy though so will have to budget i guess...
Oh yeah, also found out i'm getting paid on the 24th of every month which totally rocks!

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[10 Jan 2006|09:13pm]
I feel so fucking sad right now its unreal.
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[05 Jan 2006|01:36am]
Wow, this is scary.
I swear to God i just heard the phone ring clear as day so i went downstairs to answer it and aparently it hadnt even rung because my phone shows a little red light on the top for a missed call.


Oh, and i also just had a deja-vu when typing this.

*double freaky*
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[05 Jan 2006|01:33am]
[ mood | angry ]

Live journal, you have got to be fucking joking!!!!
I just wrote about 200 lines of text, tried to update and it didnt work, so i clicked the back button.
Now it decides to delete all of this text. Fucking shit programming there whoever made this site you nob jockey!

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